MY BUDDY'S WEDDING

Everybody has that friend who they've known forever. Most of the time that is the friend you keep just in case you ever need someone killed or you need help moving the body. My friend Jason is that guy.

Jason is one of 6 brothers who are a little left of center when it comes to abiding by the law of the land. I don't know the ins and outs of their legal dealings but I'm pretty sure the roast I ate at his home, that one time, was a poached deer.

Now you have a feel for my buddy Jason and his family.

Jason got married. I was in his wedding party and my wife had the duty of coordinating the wedding from behind the scenes.

Let me begin by stating that this was a formal wedding complete with the formal church setting, tuxedos, white gown and expensive bridesmaid dresses. This wedding was FORMAL.

Did I mention that Jason has 5 brothers who are a little left of center when it comes to following rules?

Rae had coordinated a few weddings in her day and was very good at getting the wedding party to their assigned position on time and in an orderly fashion. She was ready for this (unpaid) job and hadn't a care in the world when she walked into the church that day. Little did she know that Jason's brothers were not her usual wedding party.

At the time when the party should have been lined up to walk into the church to the wedding march, the brothers were outside throwing rocks at one another and laughing hysterically. Rae was still yelling to them that they were supposed to be accompanying their assigned bridesmaid down the isle when the second stanza of the wedding march was playing. A full verse had been played before they were even lined up.

When the tuxedo clad brothers finally came in they were all wearing large, circular badges on their lapels that read, "Jason Just Say No!"

Rae didn't have time to deal with that so she began sending the couples, one by one, up the isle. It was at about that time that she got a whiff of a huge fart that one of them had let go as they walked through the church doors. Her eyes watered and she looked at me, (I was accompanying another bridesmaid) and all I could do was say, "It gets worse" as I walked past the door entering the sanctuary.

The bride walked up from down stairs. Rae kept her cool and acted as though nothing was wrong. The bride was beaming though a little concerned that Rae may have had an upset stomach as the foyer smelled of flatulence.

The Bride's song began to play, everybody stood up to face the bride. Their noses, too, seemed to be squished. The bride walked up the isle to the smell of fart spray that one of the brothers had squirted all the way up the isle.

When she arrived to the front and took Jason's hand she asked him what that smell was. His answer was that John, (me) has an upset stomach! She then looked over his shoulder at me but what caught her eye were the badges that the brothers were wearing. She looked at Jason as he smiled back at her.

The ceremony went on and the preacher asked if there were any objections to the wedding taking place at what was the "or forever hold your peace" part. Just as the preacher asked if there were objections, my father-in-law, Dale, stood up with a jolt. Everybody in the audience looked over at him. He was in charge of video taping the wedding and chose that time to stand to move to a better location. (He also thought that would be funny.) The preacher and congregation chuckled and went on with the service.

The rings were exchanged and vows were said. The preacher asked Jason if he would take this woman to be his wife. Jason said, "I do." At PRECISELY That moment, Jason's brother took a ball and chain, (a REAL and heavy, ball and chain) and loudly, with much clanking, snapped it to Jason's leg with a pad-lock! We had hidden the ball and chain behind the alter and passed it forward during the ceremony to the best man so he could do his duty. The crowd erupted in a huge roar of laughter. After the laughter subsided, the preacher, trying to get his bearings looked into Jason's eyes and said, "And that's how it is, too, brother."

With that, they were pronounced man and wife and Jason carried the ball and chain down the isle, out of the church and was still attached to it through the middle of the reception when someone finally "found" the key and took it off of his leg.

That was 13 years ago. Jason is still married, his brothers have all married, divorced, married again, divorced and so on. And I am still married to Rae, who will never forget the wedding to beat all weddings.